Imagine this – It’s Thursday. You wake up and freak out because you haven’t made any plans to enjoy this summer outside of patio drinks 2 weeks from now. You begin to scream and throw everything in your room at the wall in frustration. Things break. Walls have holes in them. You find a bat and you walk out your door hoping to smash some mailboxes. A cop stops you. She asks you why you are smashing mailboxes. You tell her to shut the hell up. She arrests you. You say sorry. She doesn’t care. You get thrown in jail. The cop gives you a court date. It’s tomorrow. You go. The judge hands you a suspended sentence. You are now on probation all because you weren’t proactive about making plans for this summer.
All of this could have easily been avoided by following my easy peasy guide to having a good summer. Now usually I would sell something as valuable as this, and trust me people buy things from me all the time, but because this is so important I’m going to forgo my usual fee of $10,000 an article to walk you all through a summer of fun.
1. Nail everything you own down. This should already be done to be completely honest, but the first major event this summer can be nailing down everything you own. If you’re anything like me you’re going to want to throw things at the wall all the time. I’m surprised you haven’t already. Nail stuff down so you don’t need to do unnecessary wall patch work.
2. Phone a Friend. You have friends, don’t lie to me. Call one of them and express your inner desire to see a Broadway show or kayak across a lake this summer. They will say why. You tell them because you don’t want to go to jail. They’ll understand.
3. Take a shot. Let loose. You called a friend and that took a lot out of you. You deserve a treat. Take a shot of Hennessy and feel your body thank you.
4. Go for a bike ride. You own a bike, I saw it. Pump up the tires and go for a spin down the block. Not enough for you? Go to that bike path you used to bike down as a kid. Relive childhood memories. Still not enough? Take your bike and shove it. I don’t have time for this we still have 10 more things to get through.
5. 50/50. The computer will eliminate two of the incorrect answers. This is good because you can’t afford to lose on this question. You will have a 50-50 shot of getting through this question so make it count.
6. Go to a swimming hole. It’s hotter in the summer time than during other times in the year like stupid winter time. You’ll get hot and want to cool down. Go to a swimming hole, you dingus. You can swim there.
7. Catch a home run ball. Go to a baseball game and get the exact seat a home run ball will fly towards and only that seat. Don’t forget your baseball glove or else you’ll have to use your bare hands like an idiot.
8. Fall in love for the first time. My friends, love is so good. So good. Fall in love with someone for the first time and you will not regret it. This is such a simple way to inject some happiness into summer. Just fall in love and plan the rest of your life together.
9. Play a prank on an elderly person. They are so done with life it isn’t even funny. Go show them that even though they are old, it doesn’t mean they can’t get pranked so good.
10. Have a fun beach picnic. This should be self explanatory. Buy a cooler, go to a beach, get mad that sand keeps getting on the blanket, and leave.
11. Get lost in a book. Read about 9 chapters of Brave New World and then just stop.
12. Go camping. See number 10 but change beach for campsite and sand for dirt. Also add crapping in a bucket from Canadian Tire.
13. Use DNA preserved in a piece of amber to clone dinosaurs and open up a theme park based on dangerous extinct animals. Do Jurassic Park.
14. Star gazing. The constellations look great this time of year. Locate an Amateur Astronomy Association meetup and indulge in the night sky. Don’t forget to print off some star maps to help you on your way.
Let me tell you something, these are all good ideas. And you should do them. All of them. Because if you don’t you will without a doubt go to prison for a long time, and I don’t think you want that. There are absolutely more than just these 14 things but at least do these then we can talk about doing more, okay?