What To Do While Your Roommate Applies For Jobs

It’s a question as old as time.

In today’s world, with the way the housing market looks and the astronomical price to rent on your own, you will come to a point in your life where you will move in with your best friend and both quit your jobs around the same time. It will be magical. You’ll be able to sleep in, watch movies in the middle of the day, and you’ll only have to go outside when your body starts to get sore from sitting on the couch for too long. The two of you can live the dream and treat yourselves to every pizza delivery place imaginable until your savings run out.

But what do you do when your selfish roommate puts aside some time for himself so he can apply for jobs?

Crying is a start, as you most definitely should welcome your feelings, but what after that? Surely this is a personal attack on your friendship; why else would he want to kill your vibe?

The solution is simple: do something else. Maybe even things he doesn’t like to do. By doing things he doesn’t want to do you can successfully do things by yourself.

For example.

Play that 1-player video game you’ve been meaning to play. It won’t affect him since he’s doing something “productive” and it’ll still feel spiteful since you’re using the communal television that YOU BOTH SHARE.

Perhaps you can make a coffee? Some people just don’t like the taste of coffee. “Never have and never will” they may have once told you. If your roommate is one of these people make the crap out of that coffee. Nothing will passively aggressively get your point across like slightly changing the way the air smells in the kitchen.

Have you called your mom lately? Skype her, right now. Headphones off, in the living room. She’ll want to say hi to him as well which will be a great “distraction” that isn’t your fault.

Learn about history. Ever wondered what history books never tell you about the Second World War? Now is the best time to find out because there is “no time like the present”. Put Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the United States on full blast and go to town with your learning.

Apply for jobs yourself and try to get one before he does. Crack your fingers and get started on some cover letters because guess what, you’re going to get a job first. You’re going to apply for all the jobs. The best jobs. Nothing will stop you from applying for all of the best jobs. And when you get an interview, go into it with fists flying and determination because you’re getting this job first.

Work hard for the rest of your life.So you got a job out of spite, congratulations. Work hard and impress your bosses so that you can successfully move up in the company and be a real player in your industry.

Start a family. Move out and find a girl that you want to settle down with. Nothing will drive your roommate crazier than finding happiness on your own and raising two well behaved children who DON’T TALK DURING MASS.

Grow old and die. Go to the grave reeling with your anger and never relent. Your roommate broke your trust and must never be forgiven. He forced you to grow up and now you’re dead.

Spend the afterlife as a ghost haunting unsuspecting home owners. Based on the fact that you do everything with revenge in mind, you’ve probably done some things in your life that were not so great. This created an unbalance on your soul which has condemned you to an afterlife not unlike Casper the Friendly Ghost. But you’re going to be more like Casper’s mean spirited uncles Stretch, Stinkie and Fatso from 1995’s fantasy comedy film Casper starring Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman. With every new resident comes a new opportunity to release your pent up rage and desire to troll. Embrace it and never surrender.

At the end of the day how you cope with experiencing something so treacherous is up to you. Vengeance could be fun doe.

 

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