Ottawa, Canada Needs A hEro

There was a cold, dead air in Ottawa, Canada this weekend. The kind of air that only nightmares are made of.

Rewind quickly to May of 2017. The darkhorse Ottawa Senators fall within one goal of reaching their second-ever Stanley Cup final. The catalyst: a swashbuckling Swedish defenceman playing the game on one good leg, and almost singlehandedly dragging his teammates for 3 rounds on the other one. I dare you to find a Senators fan who didn’t have hope for the franchise after last season.

Fast forward to now. There is no point trying to make sense of any of this because it would appear that sense has left the city, and the best defenceman in the modern era is about to go as well. We all know you can’t fight fire with fire, but in this world you can’t fight fire with water either. You would need some sort of cool laser/fire sword that only a Jedi would have, and Jedi mind tricks would help too, which is just a crazy thought. A thought which has led everyone to the exact same conclusion: the only person who can save the Ottawa Senators is an insane person. They would have to be crazy to even try to, what with the way the economy is right now.

Enter the craziest SOB the gods of Twitter and superfandom could come up with: a champion who is half man, half Jos Louis that goes by the name of bRian. Erik Condra and the Boyz wouldn’t even stand a chance against him. He’s the only person ever to go toe to toe with an Ottawa Lynx and live to tell about it. The guy even convinced Bruce Garrioch to be his best goddamn friend, so we know he’s got a friggin’ heart of gold. He has run himself over more times than you can count on one hand, and guess what, is 100% healed and fine the next day. That’s a legit miracle and we need miracles in this city.

I don’t know what will happen today, trade deadline day in the NHL, and I don’t know where our best player will be playing tomorrow. But I do know that our fate rests solely in the hands of one man.

Save us @bRian5or6; you’re our only hope.


New Year, New Me, New You, New Zoboomafoo

Lets keep this one short and sweet.

Take it from a guy who is typically very indiffent to a lot of things that happen in the world, 2017 was very tiring. 

It happened whether you enjoyed it or not, but it’s over now so you can relax. 2018 is cool though. What do you want to do this year? Do it, alright? 

Here is a collection of unimportant thoughts:

My girlfriend’s car wouldn’t start on New Years day and it was v v cold but things turned out alright.

The Bee Gees were always underrated I think. Even when they weren’t they were.

Some cigarette smokers smell like they were legit smoking a piece of burning poo and I feel bad for anyone who has to be intimate with them. Some don’t though, some smell fine.

Buddy, bitcoins are dumb. 

Peter Pan had it all wrong, don’t stay 12 or 13 or however old he and the lost boys were. Stay like 25-35 and then go to battle those pirates over in Neverland. They are a bunch of drunks who lose to children regularly. 

Sitting down to pee is just as good as standing up. 

Winners and Marshalls are the same store and they don’t pretend not to be anymore. 

Things You Can Do This Summer

Imagine this – It’s Thursday. You wake up and freak out because you haven’t made any plans to enjoy this summer outside of patio drinks 2 weeks from now. You begin to scream and throw everything in your room at the wall in frustration. Things break. Walls have holes in them. You find a bat and you walk out your door hoping to smash some mailboxes. A cop stops you. She asks you why you are smashing mailboxes. You tell her to shut the hell up. She arrests you. You say sorry. She doesn’t care. You get thrown in jail. The cop gives you a court date. It’s tomorrow. You go. The judge hands you a suspended sentence. You are now on probation all because you weren’t proactive about making plans for this summer.

All of this could have easily been avoided by following my easy peasy guide to having a good summer. Now usually I would sell something as valuable as this, and trust me people buy things from me all the time, but because this is so important I’m going to forgo my usual fee of $10,000 an article to walk you all through a summer of fun.

1. Nail everything you own down. This should already be done to be completely honest, but the first major event this summer can be nailing down everything you own. If you’re anything like me you’re going to want to throw things at the wall all the time. I’m surprised you haven’t already. Nail stuff down so you don’t need to do unnecessary wall patch work.

2. Phone a Friend. You have friends, don’t lie to me. Call one of them and express your inner desire to see a Broadway show or kayak across a lake this summer.  They will say why. You tell them because you don’t want to go to jail. They’ll understand.

3. Take a shot. Let loose. You called a friend and that took a lot out of you. You deserve a treat. Take a shot of Hennessy and feel your body thank you.

4. Go for a bike ride. You own a bike, I saw it. Pump up the tires and go for a spin down the block. Not enough for you? Go to that bike path you used to bike down as a kid. Relive childhood memories. Still not enough? Take your bike and shove it. I don’t have time for this we still have 10 more things to get through.

5. 50/50. The computer will eliminate two of the incorrect answers. This is good because you can’t afford to lose on this question. You will have a 50-50 shot of getting through this question so make it count.

6. Go to a swimming hole. It’s hotter in the summer time than during other times in the year like stupid winter time. You’ll get hot and want to cool down. Go to a swimming hole, you dingus. You can swim there.

7. Catch a home run ball. Go to a baseball game and get the exact seat a home run ball will fly towards and only that seat. Don’t forget your baseball glove or else you’ll have to use your bare hands like an idiot.

8. Fall in love for the first time. My friends, love is so good. So good. Fall in love with someone for the first time and you will not regret it. This is such a simple way to inject some happiness into summer. Just fall in love and plan the rest of your life together.

9. Play a prank on an elderly person. They are so done with life it isn’t even funny. Go show them that even though they are old, it doesn’t mean they can’t get pranked so good.

10. Have a fun beach picnic. This should be self explanatory. Buy a cooler, go to a beach, get mad that sand keeps getting on the blanket, and leave.

11. Get lost in a book. Read about 9 chapters of Brave New World and then just stop.

12. Go camping. See number 10 but change beach for campsite and sand for dirt. Also add crapping in a bucket from Canadian Tire.

13. Use DNA preserved in a piece of amber to clone dinosaurs and open up a theme park based on dangerous extinct animals. Do Jurassic Park.

14. Star gazing. The constellations look great this time of year. Locate an Amateur Astronomy Association meetup and indulge in the night sky. Don’t forget to print off some star maps to help you on your way.

Let me tell you something, these are all good ideas. And you should do them. All of them. Because if you don’t you will without a doubt go to prison for a long time, and I don’t think you want that. There are absolutely more than just these 14 things but at least do these then we can talk about doing more, okay?

Thoughts (read: thots)

As I’m travelling on Via Rail Train 50 (car 4) headed home, I can’t help but notice that it’s not completely shitty outside. This got me thinking about if I cared that it was nice out or not. Most things get a big old NOPE from me because I’m an indifferent kind of guy in general. However, today feels different. Today feels…good

What is this feeling and why do I feel this way? It could be a variety of things: the sports teams I like are doing things I like (namely winning), the corn crops I just passed by look just about ready to yield a great harvest, or it could even just be that the nice weather just makes me feel nice.

If its indeed the weather then I’m officially declaring today the first day of sprummer, a season I just made up. If you couldn’t tell its a mix bewteen the words summer and spruce tree because now is the time of year of course when the evergreen spruce trees bloom. Sprummer will consist of exactly 5 days and will end the next time I’m on a train. 

Though, it truly feels like I’ve been in a fog for a long time recently. I guess if I had to use a real word to describe this new sentiment then it would probably be ‘hopeful‘. 

Hopeful for the new goals I’ve set for myself.

Hopeful for the new experiences and responsibilities I’m bound to undertake. 

Hopeful that it’ll all come together with a pretty little bow. And if it doesn’t want to come together with a pretty little bow then guess what it looks like it’ll get a makeshift bow made from whatever I find along the way because if I want it to have a bow then it’ll have a damn bow.

I think its because of a change in attitude that I want to implement in my life. Wouldn’t you rather feel lucid, present, and in control than confused? Why wait when you can get things started now (Note: this doesnt mean waking up early if you don’t have to; see next sentence). Why be forced to get lunch when McDonald’s will serve you breakfast all day (Life hack: start your day at 2pm, get a sausage mcmuffin [no egg], and feel your body hate you for being so damn cool).

I’m going to start doing the things I saw myself doing in daydreams when I was 15. Why the hell not? To steal directly from the Ottawa Senators this post-season: why not us? But me specifically. And if there is a reason as to why specifically not me, then watch me do it it anyways. 

So I gueeeessssss yeah, today I care that its nice out. Today is a certified good day. Even if it thunderstorms later like it’s supposed to, I’m still thankful for the morning of blue skies I got to look at that let me feel good. 

My advice for you at the end of all of this: live ever sprummer like it’s your last, because it likely won’t be a recognized season ever again.

Things I Like Are Good, Things I Don’t Like Aren’t As Good (But Maybe Other People Like Them)

I’m a person. And as a person, I like things (by the same logic, I dislike things too). There are many things that I like, and many things that I dislike; that’s just the nature and responsibility that comes with choosing to like and dislike things.


Photo of me right now.

I’m also a man . And as a man, I form opinions on things pretty loosey-goosey-like
because my
brain likes taking vacation from caring about things sometimes. But when I do form those opinions, woooooaaahhhh baby WATCH OUT! because I will opinion so hard my face will go purple and blue and other colours.

That being said, how awesome are things that you like?! Seriously.

And stuff you don’t like. Screw those things!

I’m a firm believer that the things you like and the things you don’t like will shape everything in your life, mainly because that makes sense and isn’t truly a controversial stance on thing-liking. It gives you an identity. Having the identity that thing-liking gives you is special because you can measure new things in life based on your like for older things.

For example.

As a youngin’ I used to kind of like going bowling. I wasn’t by any means a bowling prodigy (and definitely needed those gutter guards), and we didn’t even bowl often, but whenever we went I used to get a tall plastic glass of Pepsi on ice and it was a sweet night out.

Know what else I used to like? Crazy Bones. That game was basically just a flick version of bowling. To be frank I definitely liked Crazy Bones more than bowling but both things are based on knocking things down that used to be standing up.

GUESS WHAT ELSE I USED TO LIKE. Bombardment dodgeball.

The familiarity between all of those things lent a certain level of comfort that allowed for easy adoption.

The same rings true for things you dislike, of course. I, for example, was not a fan of going to the video store and seeing that the movie you wanted to rent was already rented  out and you wouldn’t be able to see that movie until the store’s only copy was returned.  Likewise now, I am not a fan waiting for my computer’s RAM to get up to speed when I want to access the internet at lightning speeds.

Basically, I’m a very impatient person who likes to knock things down. But how sick is knocking things down, right?

But seriously, Crazy Bones really were the shit.


Here are other things I used to like in the 90s and early 2000s (no specific order):

  1. Yak Baks
  2. Street Sharks
  3. Animaniacsg0734866i1l
  4. Cereal box computer games. Actually anything cool in a cereal box besides cereal. I think I got a movie in there a couple times. Loaded Weapon 1 I’m pretty sure was one of them.
  5. Mad Libs

These were over-rated:

  1. Hacky Sacks
  2. Beanie Babies
  3. Wacky erasers that you bought from book fairs that you could put on pencils but didn’t erase well
  4. Summer camps, probably.
  5. Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. I feel like they were just remaking other movies that were already things but changing the plot a bit so that twin girls were the protagonists? I’m pretty sure It Takes Two is the same movie as The Parent Trap…
  6. Pyjama Day

The best part of it all is that it’s all subjective! Maybe you like things that I don’t like and vice versa. Does that necessarily mean that we are bound to be sworn enemies?

Yes. Yes it does.

No, I’m kidding, obviously not. It just means that value is subjective and can be added in many ways. Everyone has their own Crazy Bones, Bombardment and Bowling, right?

Things I like I will argue are good and things I don’t like I’ll argue aren’t as good. But I honestly don’t think you can give me a good argument in support of Pyjama Days.

Why Would My Boots Have Been Where They Were Found? An Editorial.

It should have been a joyous occasion; a time to celebrate the achievement at hand. My sweetly-autocratic mom found the pair of boots that we have collectively been looking for since the beginning of winter.

It has probably been the hottest politicized issue in the household since the first snow fall. She was adamant that they were in my apartment and I, sensibly living in a milder climate, didn’t really care either way. They weren’t in the normal places that boots should be so I concluded that they were not.

I didn’t even care until she found them and now it’s the only thing I care about. Not because they mean that much to me but clearly because I’m an acrimonious loser. I like to think that I’m a practical person who thinks logically about a problem, at least that’s what I tell myself to mask commitment issues. If I’m wrong about something, it simply needs to make sense, otherwise I will lead the rising rebellion in a deadly battle to take down everyone who opposed me.

Please humour me as we are about to embark into a full investigation here. I will present to you the facts and you will decide if this was a reasonable spot to find the boots. In order to do this I’ll have to start about a year and a half ago.

September 12, 2015- I pack my things and move into my new apartment 400km from my family. Things are great, no one was fighting about boots.

December 25, 2015-Christmas time comes and I return home to celebrate the holidays. I eagerly unwrap my gifts and get boots (and socks to boot #pun).

January 5, 2016- Spent from the Christmas season and ready to return to Toronto I take my haul of presents (boots included) back to my apartment to begin my dry-soled lifestyle.

Mid February, 2016- My roommate gets wind of a more suitable apartment for two grown boot-fortunate men than the one we were in. We decide to toss in an offer, and it gets accepted beginning our whirlwind journey 5 minutes away.

Easter 2016- I surprise my family with time off work and bring back my winter things so I have less things in the way.

April 27-May 1, 2016- I celebrate my birthday with some friends who have come down to help (read watch) us move and we use boot-shaped shot glasses. My roommate and I pack up our belongings into any and every box we have, including old computer and video game boxes, and begin our new lives in a different living space.

May 2, 2016- I unpack my belongings into my new room putting the empty boxes underneath my bed to begin their jobs collecting dust.

Months go by without thinking about boots because there was sunshine and good times that didn’t need footwear capable of withstanding -30C weather. I visit home a few more times and my parents visit as well. When the season to wear boots comes, I look for them in my closet and near my other winter things but with no success.



The argument reaches a new high and I get told I’m “lazy” for not looking in the box I had reason to believe was empty. My question is why would a reasonable man, who put that box under his bed empty, think to look somewhere for boots that he never would have put them ever? Boots aren’t a guitar. Am I lazy for not looking in places that they never should have been? If you were looking for rosemary, wouldn’t you conclude that you were all out if you didn’t have any on your spice rack?

No this whole thing doesn’t add up at all. I vow that she won’t get away with this injustice.

Come to think of it, the room to my door was closed when she “found” them. She easily could have brought them with her having found them at her house and staged the whole thing!

I honestly need to know how people feel about this. It eats at me. Who wins this battle? Does she win because the boots were “here”? Is it a tie because although they were “here”, she was the one who would have stored them in this box as a way to “clean up” the way only mothers can do that actually makes your life marginally harder? Or do I win because now my toes will stay toasty when otherwise they would freeze and fall off?


What To Do While Your Roommate Applies For Jobs

It’s a question as old as time.

In today’s world, with the way the housing market looks and the astronomical price to rent on your own, you will come to a point in your life where you will move in with your best friend and both quit your jobs around the same time. It will be magical. You’ll be able to sleep in, watch movies in the middle of the day, and you’ll only have to go outside when your body starts to get sore from sitting on the couch for too long. The two of you can live the dream and treat yourselves to every pizza delivery place imaginable until your savings run out.

But what do you do when your selfish roommate puts aside some time for himself so he can apply for jobs?

Crying is a start, as you most definitely should welcome your feelings, but what after that? Surely this is a personal attack on your friendship; why else would he want to kill your vibe?

The solution is simple: do something else. Maybe even things he doesn’t like to do. By doing things he doesn’t want to do you can successfully do things by yourself.

For example.

Play that 1-player video game you’ve been meaning to play. It won’t affect him since he’s doing something “productive” and it’ll still feel spiteful since you’re using the communal television that YOU BOTH SHARE.

Perhaps you can make a coffee? Some people just don’t like the taste of coffee. “Never have and never will” they may have once told you. If your roommate is one of these people make the crap out of that coffee. Nothing will passively aggressively get your point across like slightly changing the way the air smells in the kitchen.

Have you called your mom lately? Skype her, right now. Headphones off, in the living room. She’ll want to say hi to him as well which will be a great “distraction” that isn’t your fault.

Learn about history. Ever wondered what history books never tell you about the Second World War? Now is the best time to find out because there is “no time like the present”. Put Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the United States on full blast and go to town with your learning.

Apply for jobs yourself and try to get one before he does. Crack your fingers and get started on some cover letters because guess what, you’re going to get a job first. You’re going to apply for all the jobs. The best jobs. Nothing will stop you from applying for all of the best jobs. And when you get an interview, go into it with fists flying and determination because you’re getting this job first.

Work hard for the rest of your life.So you got a job out of spite, congratulations. Work hard and impress your bosses so that you can successfully move up in the company and be a real player in your industry.

Start a family. Move out and find a girl that you want to settle down with. Nothing will drive your roommate crazier than finding happiness on your own and raising two well behaved children who DON’T TALK DURING MASS.

Grow old and die. Go to the grave reeling with your anger and never relent. Your roommate broke your trust and must never be forgiven. He forced you to grow up and now you’re dead.

Spend the afterlife as a ghost haunting unsuspecting home owners. Based on the fact that you do everything with revenge in mind, you’ve probably done some things in your life that were not so great. This created an unbalance on your soul which has condemned you to an afterlife not unlike Casper the Friendly Ghost. But you’re going to be more like Casper’s mean spirited uncles Stretch, Stinkie and Fatso from 1995’s fantasy comedy film Casper starring Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman. With every new resident comes a new opportunity to release your pent up rage and desire to troll. Embrace it and never surrender.

At the end of the day how you cope with experiencing something so treacherous is up to you. Vengeance could be fun doe.


A Better Use of My Time

Let me clear things up right away and inform you, the reader, that I’m currently without employment. By my own choices though; had a job, didn’t love it, left it. Running the risk of not sounding very humble I’ll even say I was actually pretty good at it, but it wasn’t for me.

Instead of labouring, I spent the majority of my day today travelling through the Mojave cook-cook-fallout-new-vegas-aWasteland getting shot at by people who look like they’ve lived through a Donald Trump presidency already (see photo), but that doesn’t mean it was a poor waste of my time. The reason it was a poor waste of my time was because I didn’t actually get that far in the game considering the amount of time I put into it.

Admittedly it was my fault because I was trying to find a short cut to a signal tower on a mountain or something and got stuck in between some rocks a couple of times. I easily could have just gone the long way around the first time and done the whole thing in 1/5th of the time but where’s the fun in that? You get it though: eventually I did what I wanted to do and didn’t have to go to work, so that’s what matters right?


Realistically the time I spent doing all that short cut crap I could have done so many other things first and then after successfully doing things and having a real sense of accomplishment I could have still had time to do all that shit the “long” way.

Now to be fair to the author, I did apply to a couple of jobs too today so it wasn’t all a waste.

Come to think of it I even napped after so I basically killed it today.

Anyways, because I did such a bang up job napping today I decided to treat myself by making myself write a blog. It will probably be a better use of my time.